What do I do now? Shit and go mad?

I want to talk about old people and how much I love them and how they make me cry, which will bring me to talk about crying in general. I wrote about how I cry all the time a long time ago but I will talk about it again because I guess there has been a surge of crying lately.

So I love old people. Some because they have such interesting stories to tell, some because they are incredibly wacky and strange. There was a woman who died recently who cracked me up so much. She was my favorite, even though you're not supposed to have favorites. She was pretty confused most of the time, but sometimes she was so quick and witty and hilarious. She swore all the time and made a face like "OOPS! I hope no one heard that!" She always asked "What do I do now?" because she really didn't know. Like you'd give her her toothbrush and put toothpaste on it, and she'd say "What do I do with that?" When she was like that, it made me sad, but when she'd say "What do I do now, shit and go mad?" I would laugh my head off. I bawled my eyes out when I heard she died. I went to her wake. It was the first wake I went to of a "patient". Lots of people before her have died but she was special and I loved her, I guess. Sometimes when I stood beside her, she'd lean her head on me, like a cuddle/nuzzle kind of thing, like how you would expect a little kid to nuzzle their mom or something. That made me cry.

There was another lady who died on the same day or the day before maybe who was very hard to understand, and that made me sad because she probably thought she was communicating clearly and would get really frustrated because people would always make her repeat herself. She was also a favorite. I just want to hug some people sometimes, but I know it's probably inappropriate, unprofessional behavior. I wanted to hug her a lot because she seemed like she needed it. I didn't go to her wake because I got the impression that it was private, but I will maybe go to her grave someday. I think I love old people because they (some of them) seem so lonely and I guess I want to make them feel unlonely.

There is another lady who is 102 and sometimes, she is totally alert and aware, and other times, she talks total nonsense but is so hilarious. One of the caregivers was helping her wash up down below and she asked why they were doing it. The caregiver said that it's good to be nice and fresh, and she replied that "there's no point, my old pussy cat hasn't seen action in years." That made me cry maybe because it was so funny, but maybe for some other reason.

I have my first intramuscular needle the other day and cried cause I was scared/proud of myself for being nursey. Also for all you non nurses, at the end of each shift, nurses record a report of the happenings of the shift on a tape recorder. I did that for the first time the other day and cried. I don't know why. I guess cause i was nervous or something.

Some other things I cried about... This is stupid. Dad sent me a link to a youtube video of a commercial. I think because I maybe feel pretty disconnected from people because I am so busy all the time, and this made me feel kind of a longing for being united with other people, maybe? I don't know. I am around people all the time, either in school or at work, but I feel like I don't have connections with enough people. I hardly ever see friends anymore and when I do, I feel like we're kind of starting over instead of picking up where we left off kind of thing. Cause I guess I am a different person now than I was two years ago when I wasn't in school and had more time for friends. So I don't know. Watch the video.



I was going through some old pictures and found this one. It is maybe one of my favorite pictures ever. It's my brother and our cat. It was probably taken like 8 years ago or something.



Oh I also want to talk about how old people call me fat all the time. I am pretty curious about it. I mean, obviously, I am overweight, but most people don't come right out and tell me. The other day, I brought a lady a glass of milk, and she started talking about how she is a milk drinker, always has been and always will be. I said I am too, to which she replied "Yes, but I can tell that you are: you're fat!!!" and she laughed her head off. So did I. Someone else grabbed my arm and said My what nice fat arms you have. Things like this happen pretty much every day at work. One guy calls me the "nice big girl". He also slapped my bum once. Yeah, they seem to like that I am fat, and are happy to tell me. Troy says he thinks it's because they lived through the depression so fat people were maybe privileged? I think older people have a harder time controlling what they say- like they speak before they think, kind of thing, more so than younger people. I think that has to do with dementia, maybe? ANyway, they seem to like that I am fat and it makes me not hate that I am fat as much as I usually do, I guess.

Ok. I am done now. Time to make chili.